Lock Ladies

Last week I went to interview a couple of women who work for the locksmith shop around the corner from work. These are tough girls with scars on their fingers and who are strong enough to pull ignitions out of steering columns. Here are some of my notes from that experience:

"The shop - keys are hanging on the wall everywhere, Coke machine in the front, file cabinets in the back. Litter box on top of one file cabinet. I guess there's a cat here somehwere. Smells a little like oil, but not bad. The floor is red and it reminds me of a red bowling ball for some reason. Car steering wheel on the counter out front. Nancy (the locksmith) is wearing jeans, a long sleeved denim shirt with the sleeves rolled up and her dark hair is slicked back. She's wearing brown shoes that remind me of Popeye...Popeye? Why do things remind me of the things they remind me of?"

This is what my research notes always look like. Observations and free-association comparisons, which lead to introspection. Which makes the research more about me than my subject. This is what all writers are like, just accept it.

Nancy and her coworker Linda were great to talk to. They let me ask them all the questions I wanted and showed me around the shop. They didn't even bat an eye when I asked them, "So if you could have any super power you wanted, that would help you with your job, what would it be?"
Nancy smiled as if she'd been waiting for someone to ask her that. "Invisibility."
"No," I told her. "It's got to be a job-related super power."
The smile vanish, as smiles usually do when you tell someone that they can only pick a job-related super power.
"The ability to move safes without lifting them," she replied.
"Would that power only apply to safes?" I asked.
"No, I guess I could lift other stuff too. And I would be able to shape any key into any lock without having to file it down or figure it out."
"Hmm," I said, writing that down.
"I would have super human strength," said Linda.
"Why's that?" I asked.
"'Cause then I could lift safes and pull ignitions out of steering wheels."
"So this safe lifting...this is a big deal in the life of a locksmith?"
The women nodded, Nancy rubbing her lower back.

So my main character (Parker) not only has the ability to hear the insides of a lock, so that she can pick a lock within seconds, but she's also superhumanly strong.
"So Gen," you say, "You're main cahracter is a strong thief? What makes her so special?"
"I'm glad you ask!" I say. "She's also...um...rad!"

No, there's much more to the plot now. And if Parker is anything like the chicks at the locksmith shop, she'll be safe-liftingly awesome.

They Should All Ring

I was just updating Creature Feature House (which you can read here http://creaturefeaturehouse.blogspot.com/) and writing about how I lose things in piles of clutter when I had a BRILLIANT IDEA! The reason I can find my phone when it's underneath piles of discarded stuff is because it rings. So, all of my stuff should ring! Car keys, magazines, books, bags of trail mix, shoes - ALL of it should have a ring tone so that I can call them when they're missing! How else am I going to know that my toothbrush is under the television?

This is the best idea I've ever had! It will make decluttering obsolete! Maybe I'll even equip my things with wifi and and a camera. This must be how Steve Jobs felt when he would come up with his ideas. Maybe the ipod was created when he couldn't find his computer because it was under a stack of burritoes, and he thought "I bet I could find that computer if I could call it, like a lost phone. Hey! A computer that's also a phone! (munches on burrito from the pile) This is my best idea ever!"

Yes, Steve, and I'm taking it a step further! EVERYTHING will ring and have internet access! Decluttering will be a thing of the past! Slobs like me are in future! Ha ha!

Trendings Never Endings

Everglades snakes, Cruise ship captain, Jessica Alba, 1,100 year old tomb (of a female singer) were some of the things that were trending on Yahoo the other day. Like the terms "TTYL" and "Jessica Alba," "trending" is a term that I hear but don't understand. Ok, I'll admit, I know that TTYL is text language for "Trending Takes Yogurt Literally." I'm not THAT out of the loop. But when I think of the word "trending" I think of "trendy," you know, like "hip." Is this what it means? Because if it does, then this means that 1,100 year old singers are trendy! Woohoo! Archaeologists besides Indiana Jones might finally be popular instead of nerdy!

Wait a minute...now "Madonna single" and "Willow Smith" are trending. Not Everglades snakes? Well, why not? An Everglade snake could eat Madonna and Willow Smith in one gulp! Does trending not follow the laws of the food chain? Does it follow any laws, this trending, or is it some kind of renegade thing that chooses random topics for people to think about and perhaps click on when they should be doing something else at work?

Because if that's it's game then I have fallen for it. I'm not likely to click on Madonna, but 1,100 year old singer, who could pass up that one? Who was this singer? Perhaps the Madonna of her time? One of the judges on Egyptian Idol? What did she sound like, I mean, what constituted as exceptional singing that would make a Pharaoh's heart swell? It's so much more exciting for me to imagine something like that when I'm at work than focusing on the data entry stuff that I'm supposed to be doing. Um, and in case my manager is reading this, that I am HAPPY to do and DO do all of the time!...Most of the time!...Um, this is not Genevieve's blog. This is Jessica Alba's. Fire her.

There are other terms I don't understand that I should. Like "housing bubble." I keep hearing this term on NPR, and though I have magnificent reading comprehension skills and should be able to figure it out, and though I owned a house for eight years, I still don't know what it means. I can tell that it is a bad thing when it bursts. That's what the news guys seem to be saying, anyway. But what is it? It sounds kind of cute. I imagine a charming little home floating in a bubble like Glenda the Good Witch. A bubble makes the house magical and shiny, but when it bursts it gets soap all over it and everyone inside is sticky. Is that what it means? Because if it does, that's no so bad. Then you just hose off. I suspect it's something other than the cartoon that plays in my head though. Something that involves numbers, money, and other words that I don't understand like "escrow." Which makes me think of "Scarecrow." This entire paragraph only solidifies the fact that I should never own a house because the entire business exists for me in the form of "The Wizard of Oz." You know. That movie where the house FALLS FROM THE SKY AND KILLS SOMEONE.

OH! I just checked Yahoo, and the trendingness, whatever it is, has already changed. Now the top trend is...Nano quadrotor. What the hell is that? And how does it one-up Madonna being single? I don't understand trending, what makes things hot from one moment to the next. Trends bursts like house bubbles, big one minute, small and covered in liquid soap the next. It's sad really.

TTYL.

A Case of the Jazzies

I have a cup of hazlenut creme-flavored coffee, but that's not what I want to talk about today. If I did, I would have named this post "Drinking an Entire Case of Hazelnut Creme Flavored Coffee." And then I would be too tired to sit at this desk and write. I would be running down the hall narrating like a fatally caffeinated maniac, and then later I would have to explain that it was a form of Slam Poetry. And does my place of business want to suppress such exuberant creativity?? Well, yes. They would appreciate it if I wasn't so creative at work. So I'll make this quick.

The Pack AD is my favorite band. That's what I want to talk about. And I will shamelessly promote them here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=67JTbDeku0Q&feature=related

I am nuts about this song, "Blackout." So nuts about it that I could run down the halls narrating about it like a maniac, even without the caffeine. I'm that jazzed about these people. They're two people, actually, two tomboyish Canadian chicks, they rock ass, and somehow their mullets are sexy in this video. I know. I can't believe I just admitted that on-line either. They are also sexy as cartoons:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nbwM9a_kPaE

No mullets in that one, but "Haunt You" is still a driving, growling song that I've been listening to when I need energy, and the hazelnut creme coffee isn't cutting it. I turn it up especially at work when my coworkers are all talking about The Saints. I think I might be the only person in New Orleans who can not wait for football season to be over, but even when it is it's not like the subject is going to change from how the Saints are doing to female Canadian rock bands.

Speaking of work, back to it.

Waiting on a bank is worse than everything else that is bad

I am waiting for the sale of my house to close. It's all I do, even when I'm doing a number of other things. I could be helping a kid with her homework, talking to the dog, or transferring a phone call to the Security Director because part of the hospital is on fire, and I'll be thinking in the back of my mind, "I wonder when my closing date is." There have been a few possible ones, and they've all been rescheduled for one reason or another. I have moved out and am ready to pass the house on to my buyer who is also ready to move in. Our realastate agents are ready. THE ENTIRE WORLD is ready for the closing of my house expect for the bank because I don't think that the bank is part of the real world. I think it exists in a parallel universe where it is tradition to set up a house sale, have it ready to go, and then take a nap for five years.


I don't understand. Every day I hear about how depressed the economy is because the housing market is bad. You know those people who are miserable sometimes because they want to be miserable? I think that the housing market is one of those people. I have a house that I am selling which someone wants to buy. He has good credit, and the deal works out well for both of us. HEY! Economy! This is good for you! TAKE IT!!!! Stop looking at it like it's a spoonful of medicine that you know is going to taste bad! I don't care if you like it or not, it's good for you, and it will make you feel better, and only a derranged, masochistic idiot would refuse it! Sell my house! Boost yourself! Help ME help YOU! DAMMMMMM!!! ITTTTT!!!!!!!

I go back and forth between being cool about it (letting go and accepting that it is out of my control), and banging my head againast my desk with my teeth clenched. Today I'm blogging about it, so that's new. It makes me wonder if the power of my blogging to tip the scales of the universe in my favor. I think about that when I'm relaxing and banging my head too. I think, "I'm letting go and accepting...I wonder if that means things will happen now. And then I can tell people, 'Yeah, I was all stressed about about the closing, but then I accepted that the matter was out of my control, let go, and that's when the bank finally set a closing date.'" When I bang my head in frustration I think, "I was all patient and now I've finally snapped. I wonder if that means it'll happen now. The universe was just waiting to see how far it could push me before I cracked and now that it's experiment is over, it will reward me with a closing date." And now I'm blogging and wondering, "I wonder if I'll get an email or a phone call about the closing since I'm writing about it. I can write in the middle of this post, 'I interrupt this post to bring you fabulous news! I have a closing date! The nightmarish waiting is over! The economy has decided to take one little step toward getting better and it has benefitted me! Hooray!'" But that has not happened.

And so I am still, even when I let go, not letting go because the only reason I'm letting go is because I think if I do it will trick the universe into making things happen in my favor. My will wins!...Doesn't it? No? Well, can't it just win this once? Please? You know that saying, "When we make plans, God laughs," well, just this once and I swear I'll never ask again, can it be, "When we make plans, God thinks it's the best idea ever and is so proud of you that He gives you whatever you want?" How about that? Just this once? No? Ok, well, if you change your mind I'll be over here banging my head on my desk. Thanks.

Blogging from phone - denied!

Ok, I tried blogging from my phone and it didn't work. Damness. In no way do I blame my phone, but rather my bad technology karma.

My essence thinks that electronics are a threat and it attacks them like white blood cells on an infection. I don't even have to touch an electronic device to mess it up. Sometimes when I walk past TV remote controls they explode. This is problematic because people usually have four or five of them. So when I walk into some one's living room and five remote controls spontaneously combust, it's like setting a roman candle off in some one's house. And there's no way cover it up, like if you spill Coke on some one's couch and you dab it with a napkin or lay a cat on top of it. No, this is loud, and there is shrapnel, and oftentimes your host is holding one of the remotes and you inadvertently kill him. Which is just awkward.

I wish I were one of those techie people who can fix anything, or figure out an electronic device if given a few minutes to troubleshoot it. I'm not even sure I'm using the word "troubleshoot" correctly. It would be oh so convenient if I could blog from my phone because then, hell, I could update this baby anywhere. I'm not always by a computer, but I am always by my phone. And my essence WANTS to hurt my phone, but it knows it can't because my essence is also codependent and it knows that the phone is a gateway to people. So it lets me make calls and receive them, and has recently adapted to text messages but it gets uppity at the idea of checking my email, blogging, facebooking, or joining Twitter. Honestly, by the time my essence becomes comfortable with the very idea of Twitter, it's fad will have passed. There will be something new, possibly something combining terms like "trending" and "occupy." Maybe "Troccupy," which will be shortened to "Troc" and then abbreviated to "trc," which leaves out one letter, which then makes it much more convenient to type, dnt yu thnk? Troc will be even better and more awesome than Twitter than any of us can imagine, but I won't be able to use it because my essence's karma won't be able to get within a mile of it.

So here I am, sitting at my computer and blogging, which my essence has allowed because I've convinced it that I'm not staring at a monitor but a pile of mud. I'm karmically in tune with mud, which anyone who has grown up with me or tasted my pies can attest to. I wonder if I can convince it that my phone is really a hamster. Then I can join the millions of others on Twitter! Unfortunately, it's not fooled for long because it senses lies. I mean, it is ME.

Speaking of which, gotta go. My essence has just figured out that I'm using a device and my monitor is beginning to melt.

Where is my plot?

I've been writing the Locksmith story for about a month now. The day before yesterday I finally wrote out the whole plot so I can see where I'm going with it, and now I can't find it. You would think I might keep track of things like, oh, the plot of my novel. But no. It's probably under a piece of bacon somewhere in the house.
At least I know where my notes are from my two days with Jay, the hospital locksmith. I followed him around during my lunch breaks to get an idea of what the swinging life of the average locksmith is like. My favorite notes on my time with Jay are ones that have nothing to do with anything, really, and/or don't help my book much. Here they are:
-"Jay's storeroom is so cluttered you'd have to climb across a work table to get into and and he won't let me because he's afraid I'll hurt myself. Pshaw!"
-"To pick a lock, you must use a pick."
-"The 11th floor has a good view of the river"
-(a quote taken from Jay out of context) "Key shavin's? Key shavin's don't smell like that. You probably smell me. Does it smell like dried shrimp?"
So that's been fun. I called over at ACME Lock, which is the place Jay calls when he needs back up, and left a message with the head Boss Lady there. I'd like to interview her, and come by the see what the shop looks and smells like. You would think I've had enough of the smell of dried shrimp but no. Never!
Aside from random notes, I also like facts about locks and keys with no clear idea of why. I like that the wheels inside of a combination lock are called "tumblers." I'm also charmed by words like cylinder, pins, pick-tool, and tension bar. Yes, I think I will use these words a lot in my book. "She crossed the room, eyes piercing coldly at Burt like pins at a tension bar." Actually, that makes no sense and there is no one in my story named Burt. But I like that sentence anyway.
For this story I'm ressurecting a name I've used in a previous book I wrote that is lying somewhere under my bed. Her name is Parker. In the other book she worked at a coffee shop, and in this one she gets to have supernatural powers and help save the world. She's been given a promotion. And yes, supernatural locksmith powers! She can pick a lock like it's nothing and wears a toolbelt like a stud!
My writing goal for this week is to send out the short story I wrote over the summer (yet again, because it's only been rejected once) and to work on "Locksmith." Perhaps also update Creature Feature House. So you can look out for that too, if you're into that kind of thing, which everyone should be.