Thursday, October 16, 2014

Bags With Big Damn Polka Dots

I often feel threatened by ladies who carry cloth bags with big polka dots on them. Especially at work. The bag says, "I am filled with work things, like maybe a laptop," and the polka dots say, "I am fun and fanciful." This is a mixed message.

My job is not fun. The people I work with are fun, but not the job itself and I am often confused by it. Therefore anything containing work materials should be covered in pictures of "The Scream" or snapshots of the Ebola virus eating a clown. I've seen pictures of the Ebola virus and they pass it off as this squiggly line that looks more like fish bait than something that could kill you. I imagine it looking more like a raccoon with rabies, holding knives. A rabies-infected, armed raccoon would also make for an appropriate picture on a laptop bag for my job.

The polka dot bag (which often comes in pink or teal dots, against a brown background - a color scheme that I also do not understand) hints at femininity that I don't have, and I just automatically assume that women who are more feminine than I am are judging me. This is wrong on my part. For all I know they're thinking, "What a lovely young woman, so proud an unafraid to wear the pants that have been lying on her floor for three days." Or maybe Polka Dot Bag Lady is thinking, "Thank God we don't have the same laptop bag. I really stand out now, which was my goal. I think I'll sew more polka-dots onto this bag when I get home."

My laptop bag is the black one that they gave me at work. It holds the following: 1 laptop, 1 writing notebook, 1 copy of "Courage to Change," 1 pen, and 1 watermelon scented highlighter. I don't carry spare polka-dots, but maybe if I did this would be a good conversation starter and perhaps even a peace-offering for these women that I feel irrationally threatened by.

Me: Hey there! It looks like one of your pink polka dots fell on the floor.

Bag Lady: (gasps) You're right! Awe, it was my favorite one.

Me: I carry extra. Here...

Bag Lady:....This is a picture of a frothing raccoon holding a knife.

Me: Oh, sorry (rummages through black bag). Here...

Bag Lady: It's even pinker and sparklier than the one I had! This is just heaven! Thank you, Tall Plain Girl!

Me: You're welcome, Bag Lady!

And peace was restored to the land. This is a great idea, I'm gonna go cut some polka-dots out of construction paper. It's what they want me to do at work. REALLY.

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