Saturday, August 25, 2012


I haven't updated Creature Feature House in a while. I think I'll start flip-flopping, update Payphone one day and Creature the next. What would a Payphone Creature look like, I wonder? I just googled images of it, but only found pictures of payphones, stills from Maroon 5's song "Payphone," and a picture of a guy on the phone that says, "Jay Zone's Guide to Payphone Pimpin'." Hmm. These things are not what I picture. I imagine a short, purple monster with an overbite, dropping dimes into the slot to make a call to his lawyer.

"Bill?" he grumbles. "It's Gorg. Any update on the libel suit against that blogger who keeps lumping Muppets and orgies in her posts? The Henson family wants to get back Elmo style...that's right, I know...but my people have been slandered...well, it may seem extreme but they're quite upset...uh huh, uh crayons for two weeks. That's the deal...well, we are monsters. Thanks, Bill. Best to the wife and kids."

Anyway, my trouble with Creature Feature House, well with both blogs really, is that I don't have a feel for their identity yet. Like, if I had to sum up Payphone in a word it would be..."everywhere." I let myself do anything with it, it's my playground. For Creature it would be "family." Ah, there's the trouble. There's a nudge inside of me that says if I'm going to write about me, the kids, and the pets then I should make it family appropriate, like people of all ages can read it, family appropriate. Well, people of all ages CAN read it. There's just no guarantee that an extreme conservative might not kill me. Or pray for me. Oh well. That nudge inside of me has never steered me in the right direction. It's a very fearful nudgling.

Speaking of kids, it's 7:30 and they're already awake. On a Saturday morning. What the hell? So in about a half an hour the craziness of the day will begin, which I'm sure will give me more than enough material for tomorrow's Creature Feature post. It will begin with Intervals, an exercise that my doctor recommended on my last well-visit. It's that routine where you do two minutes of light exercise, then two minutes full-tilt, then two minutes slow, etc, for 20 minutes total. At first I thought, "That's only ten minutes of aerobics, how does that help?" But HOLY SHIT. I am sweaty and out of breath by the end of it, and my whole body aches the next day. For instance, typing is the only move I can make right now that doesn't make me wince.

So your blogess should be looking nice and svelt in the weeks to come. Or as my dear friend and diet buddy, who I will call Hailey, recently said, "we're gonna be so smokin' hot it's going to be illegal to be in the same room together." Lest we give Gorg another shot at calling his lawyer.

"Bill? It's me again. I just came out of Denny's and there are two women in there who are so hot, my Moons Over My Hammy exploded...Yes...uh huh...I see...well, yes, it has been a long time since I've had a date, but I don't see...well, the tall one wasn't wearing a wedding ring, but how would I take her out to dinner if she's so attractive that the waiters melt?"

Hmm, this might be a problem. I don't want to intimidate potential Payphone Creature dates. Maybe I should have ice cream for breakfast. I think it's the only right thing to do.

And this is an aside, but I want to share this with you because this woman is so hilarious it's illegal and Gorg is on his way to call Bill right now. It's The Blogess
ps- Yay, I've learned how to link web addresses to words!


A.J. said...

Okay, I'm getting a vision of a background image for Creature Feature. You know those decals on the rear windows of cars that show the family silhouettes? Do that...but with...are you ready? MUPPET SILHOUETTES! There's you, two muppet girls, and a muppet boy. You can even throw in muppet animals. Is that possible to find online? Maybe you can design one. Technically, it won't be copyright infringement if they're SILHOUETTES! What do you think? More importantly, what do the Muppets think? Most importantly, why do I keep capitalizing the word SILHOUETTES?!?

Genevieve said...

Only if they were catapulting silhouettes.