Friday, August 24, 2012

I Wanna Wear

I wanna wear suspenders and a tie. A fedora maybe and a vest for no reason. My short hair should be shorter. I'm becoming the Tomboy I used to be, before I had thoughts like, "I need to look like a girl." I didn't just have those thoughts. They screamed at me, terrified, at the age of ten. "Look like a girl NOW," "Grow your hair NOW or you'll never get a boyfriend." "Don't wear that T-shirt with Marylin Monroe on it, they think you're a dyke." "Don't walk like that," "Don't say that, he'll think you're trying to be smart," "Real girls don't run fast," "Real girls don't think about girls." "Real girls don't cry about girls."

I don't care if no man ever finds me attractive again, or a woman for that matter, not if I have to change who I am again.  And I don't care if my mother gives me that confused and disappointed look if I don't wear makeup to weddings or Christmas. Maybe I'll wear eyeliner and a suit. But no more dresses, no more Look Like a Girl Now skirts, blouses, hair, goopy face base, Look Like a Real Girl earrings, exhaustive shoe-to-outfit coordinations, or walking into a room and STILL wondering after all of these years, "I wonder if they know I'm a girl."  And needing them to know.

I'm girl enough.  When I dress like this now, like I really am in my black T-shirts and jeans shorts, sneakers, short-short hair, and no make up, I feel just like this

ps- Like the song, I mean. Not Florence, who's wearing a skirt that's cute on her, but I wouldn't be caught dead in.

1 comment:

Constant Wanderer said...

God bless you, cousin, this made me feel about eight billion times better, today.