Friday, January 23, 2009

I'm having a really bad night

I'm on step 3 now. I'm supposed to give things up to God. What if I'm mad at God, though? Not always. Just tonight. This process is so fucking slow. The major highs and lows of this whole being-honest-with-myself-trip are terrible. I see things and accept them and then the next day I see them again, the same things, and I run screaming. And I've hurt people and I've lost a friend. I had another meltdown in November. What if I fall apart again next week? I'm supposed to be getting better. I'm looking back on the last year and a half and hating myself, I mean seriously loating the pathetic dweeb I've been. I just read back through my journal and a lot of e-mails I sent this time around last year to get some perspective on where I was when I was falling apart and where I am now. Oh my God, I was crazy. I'm sorry I put you all through that. The list of wrong doings that I'm going to have to write eventually is going to be a bitch. Sometimes I feel like I'm not moving forward at all. I'm just looking back at everything. But I couldn't really look at it when I was in it.

Arrrrrgh. I should go to bed. I know this mood I'm in.

Ok, I just reread my last post for 2008. Leather Fanny Pack Lady said that Al-anon lows are bad shit. I need to get to a meeting tomorrow. I need to get to sleep, it's 1:00 in the fucking morning.

No comments: