I'm going to stop giving updates on my recovery for a while. I've had a relapse. For an ACOA this means that I've reverted to old behavior that makes my life unmanagable, and also makes me go crazy. Last Saturday I had a melt down and Sunday I got into some serious trouble. Things have settled down now, but I've promised my sponsor, Chris, and my therapist that I'll only journal about my recovery for a long while.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to stop writing here. My posts will just be a little less payphone and a little more vigilante. Also, I don't want y'all to think I'm crazy or anything. Well ok, I'm a little crazy. But I'm not mean crazy and that counts for something, right?
I will say one thing, though. Yesterday I was driving and I pulled over to write something down. I'd been thinking about how I've always had the irrational fear that people who love me will suddenly change their minds and leave. My trust issues are so bad that if I let them get out of hand, or if I'm feeling particularly worthless and unlovable, I'll pull away from them before they have a chance to reject me. One person on this list is Chris. I'll shut down and suddenly I won't be in the same room with him, even though he's standing next to me. He has the same tendency, which complicates things to say the least.
Anyway, this, I think, is the main thing I want to change about myself. The fear is so deeply rooted that I don't know if I'll ever completely get rid of it, but I atleast want to learn how to control my reaction to it. I think that will come with confidence. What I wrote down after I pulled over was something that came to me when I thought of all the people that I love who I've pulled away from suddenly, or who I've shut myself down from. These are people who (some of them) I've left just as we were getting really close. The thing I wanted to tell them was this:
I'm sorry. I'm trying to be different, and I'm getting better but it's happening so slowly. If you try to hold me in your hands I'll drip through your fingers, not like water but like honey, dropping slowly and sluggishly, not wanting to fall, not knowing how to to get back up.