Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Days Are People Too

Monday has really been living up to its reputation lately. It's like it's not even trying. It's saying, "Everything you have heard about me is true. I'm going to start off difficult, become more complicated, make the hours go by slow, and end unsatisfactorily." This means that you are going to be late for work, your pants will tear, your boss will fuss at you, and you will get your period early. Even if you are male. ESPECIALLY if you're male because that's what kind of a bad ass Monday is becoming.

This is partly Sunday's fault. I've been listening really close on Sunday afternoons and based on my rising anxiety level, I think that Sunday is thinking up evil stuff for Monday to do and she's giving him ideas. This covers Sunday's reputation perfectly because Sunday can continue to look peaceful and devout, but really she spends all day being nice to your face while she silently plots for you to have a terrible tomorrow. Sunday is the kind of person who will shake your hand at church and then tell everyone about that one thing you did in high school. You remember that thing you did that one time? No? Well, Sunday does and she's blogging about it. She didn't even go to high school with you! She just dug this stuff up!

The guy you want is Tuesday. Tuesday is that guy who doesn't call a lot of attention to himself because he doesn't need to. He's always there after Monday, compassionate and forgiving. He says, "I know it's been hard. We're going to get through this." Tuesday would lend you money and tell you not to worry about it, and if you told him a secret he'd never tell anybody, not even his best friends, Wednesday and Thursday. Wednesday and Thursday give Tuesday shit sometimes for being such a quiet goody goody but then they remember that time that Saturday relapsed and OD'd in the bathroom and he was the only one who kept it together until the ambulance got there. Saturday has been madly in love with Tuesday since he saved her, but she's too much of a party girl for his taste.

Wednesday doesn't like to take sides. She reads a lot and you can talk to her, but you can tell if you look into her face that she's not really listening. She's wondering if she wants beans with dinner. This isn't because she doesn't care about you, she just doesn't know how to handle things. Her inability to handle conflict makes it nice on a day when there's not much going on, but if something comes up you'll look at Wednesday,  and she'll shrug and tell you it's almost over, and you'll spend the rest of the day wondering when Friday's going to get here.

Thursday has gender confusion. If you are going to have a random, out-of-character sexual experience it's going to happen on a Thursday and it's going to be amazing.

Then Friday is here. Friday wears no shoes. He doesn't want you to worry about anything at all, even the stuff that you should probably be worried about, like that itch you've developed since your random sexual experience on Thursday. Friday will bake pot brownies for you and if you don't eat them, he doesn't get his feelings hurt - more for him. He's endlessly supportive, and a good listener like the hippie dad you never had. But you probably shouldn't take his life advice.

Saturday is a really good person which is why it's hard to be mad at her for throwing up in your car. She tries to be just a regular 9-5 job, stand up kinda woman who balances her checkbook and eats right, and sometimes she does, but then out of the blue she'll toss back three slices of cheesecake and a bottle of tequila. She's funny, she's beautiful, there are songs written about her, and sometimes you wish a Saturday night would never end, but inevitably it does and if Saturday's not careful she will show up drunk on Tuesday's lawn. It's a shame because if it weren't for Saturday's self-destructive impulses she and Tuesday would make a great couple. But it's not a surprise Saturday turned out like she did when sandwiched in between a free-spirited hippie like Friday and a stuck up bitch like Sunday.

Tuesday would like me to tell you that he does have his flaws. He fails to return text messages in a timely manner. If you do miss him, though, it's ok. He'll return in seven days. Unless Monday has anything to say about it.

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