Saturday, September 7, 2013

Voluntary Singulary

I am single - do a jig now! As the command to dance would imply, I am happy about this. It's not because my latest dating experience was bad because it wasn't. In fact, it was good. I'm single because I want to be.

"You're kidding," you say.

"No, really. I'm good. I really don't want to be with anyone right now."

"So it's not because you've had bad experiences or just haven't found someone to knock your socks off?"

"No. I've lost my socks a couple of times. I'd just like to keep them on right now. I'm keeping everything on right now."

"But why?"

"Because I like my socks. They have those little puff balls at the back of them."

"I'm not talking about your socks. We are not having a conversation about socks. This is your love life and you don't have one."

"I know!" I say, grinning. "Isn't it great?"

"So you're saying that if I introduced you to a charming, funny, brilliant, hypotronically good-looking young citizen with a lot of cash you wouldn't change your mind?"

"...Did you say cash?"

But no, I wouldn't. I can't explain why the desire to be in a relationship, dating experience or even an empty
tryst is not there but it's suddenly gone. I feel about this the way I've heard women describe the relief of menopause. They smile in this relaxed way and say, "I don't have a period anymore."

After a lifetime of wanting to be with someone, fantasizing about the perfect spouse, and longing to have someone to laugh with, ride a bike through the park with, eat things off of, and so on and so forth, and coming close to that with people but not really finding that lover/friend that I've always wanted I FINALLY don't give a fuck that I don't have it. To be able let go of that longing is like some kind of goddamn miracle.Actually, that's not accurate. I haven't let the longing go, that's too passive. I've kicked it in the pants.

And it's weird because it's not like my sex drive is gone. I can still look at a man's upper back or the way a woman walks and melt. But they can just keep on walking. And it's not that I feel angry at love, or men and women. Everybody else can be in as many emotionally and sexually gratifying relationships as they want and that's lovely. But the thought of being in one myself makes me want scream and then take a nap. And so I've been telling people no.

No comes as a relief after a lifetime of telling people yes, even when I was thinking no. In fact, if anything maybe that's it. Maybe all the no has built up inside of me so much that I've become like a no volcano.

That would sound something like this "nnnnnnnnnnnnnnNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

KABOOM! And single.

No, no. Not just single. Fiercely fucking single. It's like I'm two years old again, after just learning how to say the word no, and I'm saying no to everything. Which may be for the first time, really, because since I've been codependent since birth, I probably skipped the no phase as a toddler and said things like "whatever makes you happy." But I'm making up for it now by saying no to everything, even when it doesn't make sense. This is cute when someone is two, but just confusing when someone is 37.

"Hey baby," someone recently said to me. "You want to-"


"Ok. But you haven't heard what I-"


"Wow. Ok, you're serious."


"...No, you're not serious?"


"So you want to-"


This man hung up the phone, not only feeling rejected but also concerned about my mental health, which I find is a common reaction to dating me.

Hence: single.

This is why I've really embraced that Icona Pop song "I Love It," and for those of you who don't know I don't usually like Top 40 songs or dance music. But I LOVE this song. It's the most joyous breakup song I've ever heard. You know those songs I talk about sometimes that I dance in the kitchen to? This is one of them. It's about a slightly unstable woman who's had enough and she just doesn't care anymore and she is ecstatic about it. Just like me!

I don't honestly think I'll stay in this phase forever. I know eventually I'll be in a relationship again, but for right now my house is a mess, I've got a lot of writing to do, three kids to take care of, nine pets to keep from dying, a day job, and 37 explosive years of no to get out of my system.

Other statements that I've held back that have been erupting lately are: this is bullshit, are you out of your goddamn mind you drunk psychotic fucker, no means stop touching me or I will send my five hamsters to chew your eyelids while you sleep, and no I don't actually respect your religion because according to it I don't deserve to have a soul, which I mean, I'm as tolerant as the next agnostic bisexual but that point of view is getting on my fucking nerves.

I think the Dalai Lama said something to that effect recently.

"So, you don't think you're angry at all?" you ask.

"Well...maybe a little. But that seems like a good thing to sort out while I'm single, don't you think?"

"Considering that you would have rodents chew off someone's eyelids if they touched you without your consent, yes I would say that you should probably work some stuff out before you meet someone for coffee."

And that's fine. This phase of fierce celibate, independence will undoubtedly be followed by a lengthy slut phase before it evens out into a monogamous, dreamy relationship. Clearly that's how my life will go. Right?

NO! Hit it, Icona Pop.