Monday, August 19, 2013

Out of Milk

I don't know how this happened, but I am out of milk for my coffee AND I just used up the last of the coffee grinds. My coffee making materials is the litmus test as to when it's time to go to the store. And the time has come. And this is not good.

I know this is going to blow the minds of people who enjoy believing stereotypical things about men and women, but I don't enjoy shopping. Really, I think some people cultivate beliefs about men and women as a hobby. Whenever you have a discussions with them they are excited to cart them out, like an antique plate collection or one of those window boxes where butterfly bodies are pinned down and labeled.

"Look at this one," he'll say. "She acted like she didn't want to be caught and it was a hard chase but she gave in in the end. Just like a woman."

"She's dead and is pinned to the box," I point out.

"I know." He rolls his eyes. "Women, huh?"

Anyway, so I don't like shopping. For anything, really, although food is sometimes an exception if I'm cooking something in particular. But stocking up for the week? AAAAAAHHHHH!  There's planning meals ahead of time, budgeting, gathering coupons, taking a calculator with me to the store, filling my basket and then waiting in a long line because it's the weekend. And then what if I buy the wrong thing? What about THAT? What if I buy the generic brand peanut butter because it's 30 cents cheaper and  no one likes it so no one eats it? So it sits in my pantry for a year, watching jar after jar of name brand peanut butters come and go because that's what I'm buying now because that's what the kids and I really want, and we end up giving the old jar to the dog. The emotional consequences of choosing the wrong peanut butter are too high.

Then there's clothes shopping. Gadzooks. How much money is too much money for jeans? I don't know, different people have different ideas about this. What is MY idea about it? I don't know, I haven't even come to a conclusion on peanut butter. What if I buy a pair of jeans and I don't like them? Do I return them? Which means I have to GO BACK to the store? With the beeping noises, and the salespeople who want me to buy things, and the music playing overhead that I think is supposed to make me feel like I'm on a runway but because the sound system is bad and there are shoppers arguing in the background, instead I feel like I'm visiting a model's retirement home and this is what's playing over the loud speaker during shuffleboard? I can't go back there, so I give the jeans that don't fit me to Good Will. For me, giving clothes to Good Will is not a demonstration of my good will as much as it is avoidance of Old Navy.

This brings me to the subject of clothes, which could be a whole post in and of itself, and I would love to launch into it but I have to get ready for work.

And luckily this morning all I need is milk for my coffee. I think I can handle that without any serious mental damage. Now do I get the brand where the cows haven't been given hormones or the cheaper one where they have been shot up with hormones? I need a personal shopper.

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