Tuesday, July 2, 2013

DMV Testing

You might recall my ex-boss who smells like onion bagels? Loretta Von Stink? The one who would tell me how to do something, change the rules a week later and then scream at me for doing it wrong? The one that my coworkers and I strongly suspected of being undead because she was pale and veiny and sometimes had a trickle of blood on her chin? Well, it turns out that she also illegally parks. That. Bitch.

I learned this yesterday when I got out of my car and picked up the scent of onion bagel. I resisted the urge to dive under a nearby SUV and hide, but bravely made my way towards the building knowing that I would probably bump into Loretta. And sure enough, she was getting out of her car in the next aisle...parked in a handi-capped spot (pause for moral outrage). There was no tag hanging from her rearview mirror, no blue little wheelchair guy on her license plate. She walks perfectly fine, aside from the fact that she staggers and gropes for brains. She's NOT handi-capped.

"What do we do?" I asked my coworker James after I'd set my stuff down and had a moment to conspire something. "Do we call the police?"

"I'm not sure they'd do anything. It's hospital property. Maybe hospital security?"

"We could. Makes me mad. Why is she parking there, there's lots of spots and it's not like it's far to walk from the parking lot to the building. Not for someone who's NOT handi-capped."

James thought about it. "Do they consider not having a soul a handi-cap?"

"Hmm. I don't know if the DMV would consider the lack of a soul a driving hazard."

"You would think that they would atleast test for it. They test your eye sight, maybe they should test whether or not your a soulless douche."

"What would that test be like?"

We came up with a test. We're hoping that the DMV implements it soon, what with the alarming rate of soulless douches there are on the road.

1)  For breakfast this morning you had:
     a. eggs
     b. cereal
     c. the blood of virgins

2) Your coat is made of:
     a. cotton
     b. faux leather
     c. Dalmatians

3) You are a manager. When your employee requests a day off you:
     a. approve her request
     b. do not approve her request
     c. kidnap one of her children

4) Your hair is made of:
     a. hair
     b. live snakes
     c. the broken dreams of your employees

If you answered "C" to any of these, you might not have a soul. This does not mean you can not drive a car. This simply means that you probably park illegally.

And I wish I had a more victorious ending to this story but Loretta had moved her car by the time I walked outside to check. Maybe she had a change of heart, like the zombies in the movie "Warm Bodies" whose hearts start beating again when they are touched by love. Or maybe she saw a puppy that she could park on top of instead. We'll never know.

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