I feel hung over but I haven't had a drink in two and a half years. If I could explain why I would. I guess there are things contributing to it, like worries and things like that, but to actually walk around feeling dizzy and numb when I haven't done anything fun to earn that feeling - well that's just bullshit. I just feel numb all over, sad and directionless. Maybe it's depression. Let's see, I'll ask.
"Are you depressed?"
"No problem. Talk to you later."
Well, fuck. Now what am I supposed to do? Take a walk? Read inspirational things about love and the world? Lie on the couch and stare at the ceiling for the next two months? None of those things are appealing. Blog? Well, I don't really feel like it, but I've missed a few days so here it goes...
The other night I went to see the movie "Lawless." I recommend this movie for the following reasons 1) Gary Oldman is it, 2) the guys who made the movie also wrote/arranged and performed the music on the soundtrack themselves, 3) Guy Pearce is in it, 4) Mennonites are in it, and 5) it's about hillbilly gangsters in the 30's and you can't go wrong with that kind of subject matter. Unfortunately, I wasn't expecting there to be torture so I spent a good bit of the movie hiding behind my hands and telling my friends Lucy and Jamaal to let me know when they finished tar and feathering the bootlegger. I expected there to be shooting but DAMN. I've reached my movie-violence quota for the next six months.
There, I've blogged about something, do I feel better? I don't know, I'll ask myself.
"Gen? Do you feel better?"
"You wanna know if I feel better after you talked about pouring hot tar on people?"
"Hmm. Ok, I'll try again."
So there's a bunny in my living room. She's so cute and pettable! She's white with light brown spots and she's way cuter than the psycho-apocalyptic bunny in "Donnie Darko."
"How's that?" I ask myself. "You have a cute bunny, see. Doesn't that make you feel good?"
"....Why, exactly, did you feel the need to throw in the image of Frank the apocalyptic rabbit in Donnie Darko?"
"I don't know, it just popped in my head."
"Look, I appreciate you trying but you're me and I'm depressed, which means WE'RE depressed, which means it's not likely that you'll be able to say anything that doesn't have some kind of dark and gloomy slant to it."
"Uh...Jake Gyllenhaal is in that movie. He's super cute."
"Sure. Bring up my sexual confusion, THAT doesn't cause me any grief. Because just when I'm think I'm 100% gay, a super cute guy comes along."
"And vice versa. I start to think I really am straight and then a super cute chick walks by-"
"Oh! You're just being impossible right now."
"That's right. Stop trying so hard, dear. I don't even know why I'm going off on that. I'm comfortable lately with being bisexual. I'm just going to gripe about anything you bring up."
"Hey look...the bunny hopped by your feet."
[Looks down at the rabbit licking my shoe] "She is cute."
"And she loves you."
"She loves my shoe."
"Ok. She loves me. A cute little forest creature loves me and I'm happy about it. Feel better?"
"Yes. Yes, that does make me feel better."
"Good. Now go lay down on the couch for two months like we talked about."
"We never agreed on that."
"Oooooooh," the me who's determined to stay depressed whines. "But I'm tired!"
"Get a cup of coffee. You have an addiction to keep up, you know."
"Hmm. I do like my legal addictions."
"That's the spirit!"
"Before I go, I should leave my readers with something like I usually do. A song or something."
So we've agreed to leave you with White Light White Heat It's one of the songs from the Lawless soundtrack, and a Velvet Underground cover.