Monday, August 1, 2011

Woman vs. Mower

Yesterday while I was mowing the lawn I accidently punched myself in the face. How did this happen? I would like to make something up and say that I was mowing the lawn when this thug appeared out of nowhere and demanded money, and that I leaped over the lawn mower and kicked him, and then he did a flip and threw a punch that clocked me in the jaw, and I reeled but then I recovered, and I did a cart wheel and a triple backflip and punched him right in face and knocked him out cold. The lawn mower was running this whole time, threatening to mow down the both of us, just to add tension, and once the thug was down I returned to the machine and began pushing it across the yard again, like nothing had happened.
But no. It was a hundred and something degrees yesterday when I went out to tackle the jungle that my backyard has become, and after an hour of mowing I was overly hot, tired, and aggravated. The grass was especially high in one area and the machine kept killing. So I pulled the chord to jump start it and nothing happened. Pulled it again. Sputter and then nothing. I pulled it again and the mower laughed at me and then tried to pass it off as another sputter. Lyer. It wasn't the high grass, or my mowing skills - this machine was just a jerk. So I grabbed the chord and tore it back.
"Start goddamnit!" I barked, which only made it laugh harder at me.
I took a deep breath. I gave that thing a burning glare that I hoped it noticed and felt ashamed of itself, as its mistress panted and sweated before it. But that fucking lawnmower took one look at me and laughed until it cried.
"I SAID START!" I yelled, seized the chord, and jerked it back.
My hand was too sweaty. I lost my grip on the chord, my fist snapped back, and I popped myself right on the jaw.
As I stood there, dazed, my first thought was, "Did I really hit myself?" I touched below my chin, and the tips of my fingers came away bloody. My second thought was, "I'm done for the day." I actually split my chin. What. The. Hell?
So the backyard was left undone. For those of you who don't know, I live on almost a fourth of an acre so it takes about two hours to do the front and the back yard. The front looks great, but the backyard looks like half a jungle now. It looks like those pictures you see of land that's been cleared, and you can see where the demolition stopped because there's a flat field and then a wall of forrest. That's my yard.
And also at the edge of it there's a lawnmower that's laughing so hard it's wetting its pants.


FW said...

yes of course. this reminds me of the time I had to go to the dentist because I nearly knocked out a tooth while trying to do an impression of St. Aug's marching band. Cheers

Constant Wanderer said...

Love it. :) You should upgrade to a riding mower, that'll show him.

Tom said...

I agree with CW, it's riding mower time. When I could afford it, I started paying someone to mow my yard. Now I only don't have time to pull weeds and trim shrubs. Step in the right direction, I guess.

Oh, and one of the reasons I quit mowing was because my mower never wanted to start, even after I got it "fixed," it still didn't want to start. I put it at the curb. Gone within the day.