Monday, August 16, 2010

Moving through it

Yesterday morning I cleaned my room a little, but I didn't do it the way I wanted to. I went in with a garbage can, opened the closets, and threw away one scrap of paper at a time, when what I really wanted to do was go in with a bottle of lighter fluid and a match.

I don't want to stay in this. I want to move through it. It's just going slowly. There's over a decade of love letters, gifts of apology, and worn out clothes in those closets. The kind of clothes I look at and think, "I remember the date we were on when I wore those pants." They're the husband and wife closets. They were my mother and father's closets. There are still things in there left over from my mom and dad, along with all of the thoughts and feelings on paper from my marriage. It's two closets for four people. Chris moved out a year ago. My parents sold me the house seven years ago, and they don't live there anymore. Purging those closets hurts. But on the other hand, I AM the knuckle head who's kept everything.

It's hard to do this without drinking, smoking, or using someone else as a sexy distraction. But I don't want to stay in this grief. I want to move through it. It's been long enough.

I listen to "Willie" by Cat Power. The lyrics have nothing to do with my life or the way I feel. But the sound of it sings my soul.


Nari said...

I wonder what it will feel like, being alone...single again. I wonder if I have the courage to find out.

I applaud your attempt to move through it rather than wallow in it or numb the experience.

Genevieve said...

Thanks, Nari. It's not so bad - the single thing. I checked out your blog, and I identify with a lot of what you wrote. We'll get through it, man!