Friday, May 21, 2010

Brain Transplant

Since I work in the hospital, do you think they'd give me a brain transplant if I asked them real nice? Maybe if I went to fetch them all coffee? The people here are big on coffee, you know, like there's the blood bank and then the coffee pot in the cafeteria, and both can be hooked up by IV.

I'm thinking a brain transplant might be good so that I never say anything stupid or embarrassing ever again. This THIS is a foolproof idea. There must be a brain out there that they can tweak, polish up, make nice, clean and, shiny and stick it in my head. Conversations will be a breeze! And awkward ones will never happen! Over thinking will never be a problem! Inappropriate jokes will be appropriately placed in the overhead compartment in an upright position!

Sure, you're thinking that life would be boring, but you'd be WRONG! I'd have the first ever brain transplant! I'd be on the cover of on-line newspapers! There will be tweets about me! Google will have one of their "o"s in the shape of my brain on a day that is a tribute to me. There will be nothing boring about this gig, trust me. Now just to find the right brain. Abby Someone. Abby...Normal (my heart goes out to the ones who just got the "Young Frankenstein" reference).

"Geeeeen," you're saying. "Have you embarrassed yourself recently?"
My eyes dart back and forth, and I start biting my fingernails. "No."
"Geeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen?"
"Maybe."
"Everybody does that."
I take my fingers out of my mouth and raise them to make a striking point, "That's because no one's had the brain transplant yet!"
"I thought you were working on your self-esteem problem. Remember your blog from the other day when you said stuff like 'I love my heart,' 'I love my hands,' 'I love my pancreas?"
"Yeah. So?"
"Don't you love your brain? Even with its imperfections?"
"Not so much that I wouldn't be willing to trade it in."
"Geeeeeeeen!"
"I'd be upgrading. Like with an iphone."
"You're not an iphone!"
"Not YET!"

I'm infuriating to argue with, aren't I? But not once my transplant is complete! Just wait! It'll be beautiful! It'll be...oh crap. There's a $30 copay. I'm going to have to stick with the outdated model.

4 comments:

Tom said...

Someone should be paying for this, homey. I'm tellin' ya!

Word Verification: pednes - noun, the inability to write an "e" and an "i" in cursive that can easily be distinguished at a glance. Ex: "Because of the nurse's pednes when filling out the birth certificate, the young girl who would have been 'Alice' became thereafter known as 'Aleci.'"

Genevieve said...

Tom, where the hell do you get these word verification ideas? You need to start a blog of just word verifications!

melissa bastian. said...

Ooooh, Tom - Gen has just given you the next blog-guaranteed-to-become-book idea. Take that baby and run.

And in other news, "Inappropriate jokes will be appropriately placed in the overhead compartment in an upright position!"

Kirste Harrison said...

This reminds me of a hypothetical someone once posed:

Two women are killed in a car accident. One woman's body is in tact, and the other's brain has been salvaged. If you transplant the brain of the one into the body of the other, which woman survives?

I realize now that this isn't terribly relevant...it's just an attempt to make a logical case for the existence of the soul.

I like your brain. :)