Catapulting Penguins as Promised

Remember the other day when I was wondering whether or not the mention of sex and erotica would increase my blog traffic?  Well, I've gotten two more followers in the last two days. So I can only conclude that this blog has more magnetic sex appeal than Katy Perry wearing magnetic underwear. Thank you for joining us, new vigilantes, and I vow to maintain this page's crazily attractive appeal.  And so, as promised to my commentators, I give to you, Frank Sinatra barbeque themed catapulting Muppet penguin orgy madness....
dsfhskdhlojgpeuu002808jef,asbbkdhwhrwejwteergegbeeb(new york, new york) padoo3453460789581#$ %$^%^*^#@$@#$@(quack)%$#%WFSDFYT^HFQWERFGNKENMbnoert">?Y::::!!!!!!!!!!

My loyalty knows no bounds!

So I have to wonder...am I just whoring myself? Mentioning sex, phonetically spelling out orgy goings-on, and name-dropping Fifty Shades of Gray, which I've never read, but am piggy-backing on the popularity of for my own gain? Well. Yes. And I'm oddly comfortable with it. A girl's got to get ahead somehow, and it's not going to be by phonetically spelling the mood of my meetings at work which would look like this:
zzzzzzzzzzz(Genevieve, please wake up, I'm talking to you)zzzzzzzzz(snort)?????????

or a long line at Starbucks:
NEEDCOFFEENEEDCOFFEENEEDCOFFEENEEDCOFFEEoh look at the new travel mugs!NEEDCOFFEENEEDCOFFEENEEDCOFFEE

or the Annual Gathering of Letter "Y" Devotees:
YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYohYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

No, these things will never work. In fact, I think I just lost three followers. WAIT! What if I take my shirt off? There. Done...What? How did you know I'm wearing a coat under that shirt and am actually now less naked than before? Ok, I'm no good at this whoring thing, but...what do you mean you've heard different? From who?..Oh...Well, the penguins weren't my idea, the catapult just happened to be in the room. Look, my point is if you stick around, I promise you'll always have something to read. Deal? Sweet. And now, as a poetry fanatic, I give you ee cummings. It's not his absolute best, but just so you know I'm not only a smutty blogger, but I have a heart, here 'tis:

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

- e. e. cummings ~

Sex Affects Page Views?

I was looking at my post lists and noticed that I had twice as many page views when I mentioned Fifty Shades of Gray. This leads me to the following possibilities:
1) The color gray is popular
2) Sex is popular
3) Fifty Shades of Gray is popular
4) references to erotica generate more page hits than references to The Muppets
All of these things are possible. And right now I'm all about shameless promotion. So for today's post, I will give you an orgy. Here it is:

ansfklanDSFL,ERW !!@^#$%^$GWgdgvazxmKMakw:":POPO*l%^#%@#bbbbasdarqwqwq(swanky music)e+++++===--342395($nnm,!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Everyone take a minute to throw some cold water on your face, I know that was intense. And hey! My page views have sky rocketed! I can now theorize that it could be because:
1) exclamation points are popular
2) blog orgies are all the rage

Either way I'm golden.

I Hit the "Publish" Button!

Guys, remember how I said that the reason I like blogging is because I get to click on a button that says "publish" without having to go through four or five middlemen to get my writing out there?  Friday night I went to amazon.com, uploaded the book, and clicked on "publish" AND NOW IT'S PUBLISHED!!! 

If you go to amazon.com and search for "The Daily Dylanson Obituaries," it'll pop up. Or click here http://www.amazon.com/The-Daily-Dylanson-Obituaries-ebook/dp/B008W0ZVI6/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1344856314&sr=1-1&keywords=the+daily+dylanson+obituaries

There is a way to download it if you don't have a Kindle, but I have to play with it to figure out how. Once I do, I'll let you guys know.

All I need to do is design a cover for it that doesn't look cheesy. I am very tempted to quit my day job and just do this full time, but then, I'm always tempted to do that. Speaking of which, I have to go get ready for work. Bleh. But I want to say that I feel relieved and happy. I know that I have to promote this thing myself now, but I don't care. After four years of rewrites and waiting for publishers and agents to tell me it's good enough, I have decided that it's good enough. There have been a few moments over the weekend where I've felt down about being self-published because of the stigma of it in the writing world. But it's changed a lot since I first started out. Then also I remember, "Fifty Shades of Gray, dude, insanely popular self-pulished series."

And um also, remember my last post where I boldly proclaimed that if a publisher approached me and offered me scads of money that I would tell them to walk out the door and then set themselves on fire? Well, I was just feeling snippy. You know how it is, when you're bitter about the publishing industry and all. I wouldn't, um, actually tell them to do that.

But for now my job is to increase awareness of my little book, and keep working on the new one...which I will PUBLISH! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! Let's celebrate! Everyone dance in their chairs!

SUPER COOL UPDATE: Six people have bought it! I just made six bucks! WOOOOOHOOO! I've never been so excited about six people before in my life!

An executive decision

After much deliberation I have decided to publish The Daily Dylanson Obituaries myself. I'm looking into Kindle and other sorts of interwebby things.  First, I have to find out how to spell "Kindle." Ok, I just googled it, and I am spelling it correctly. Wasn't sure if the "e" went before or after the "d." There, first step taken. I'm practically published already.

This decision was mostly fueled by the fact that I'm pissed off at the writer of "50 Shades of Gray." She was a fan fiction writer who was offered a book deal. She didn't...even...try.  How long have I been trying to get this fucking book published?  For four years? Yes, four years. I had an agent for three years who didn't sell it because, in her words, "it's hard to sell a book that means something." She did add, "But if anyone can do it, you can." That's nice and all, but honestly, it doesn't mean much now. Because, after four years of rejections and rewrites, it's hard to sell encouragement that means something.

So fuck it! I've had enough of publishers and agents. There's an agent who's reading the whole book right now because she liked the first fifty pages. That's great. She'll finish reading the book in six months and ten years from now after editing it twelve more times, it will be on the shelves? No. By the time this fucking thing comes out, there won't even be shelves anymore.

So stay tuned. This is something that I plan to do in the next couple of weeks. If anyone has any advice on this topic, I'm open to suggestions, words of experience, and anything. Well, within reason.  :)  One of my dear friends advised me to make sure it's well edited because a lot of self-published stuff is poorly edited. This is good advice, and I plan to follow it.

I'm so mad at the publishing industry right now that I feel like if, let's say 15 years from now, a publisher came to me and said, "I see you've written 27 novels and have a fan base. It's good stuff. Would you be interested in publishing it with us? We can offer you actual money." I would say, "Fuck off."
She might laugh, thinking I'm kidding, and say, "Seriously, would you be intersted?"
"I said fuck off. Fuck you, fuck everyone you've ever met, please disinfect the area that you're standing in with Lysol before you go, and when you get home, look at yourself in the mirror and then say to yourself, 'I am a disgrace to literature, and Mark Twain, Shakespeare, and Dorothy Parker would all take turns bitch slapping me if they could.'"

I've written this thing, I just want people to be able to read it. So there.