Well, I never! Wait, yes I have

That was weird. When I tried to log in a minute ago a message popped up that told me I couldn't because my "cookie functionality" had been disabled. My cookie functionality? Now wait a damn minute. A person can accuse me of being dysfunctional in a number of ways, but when it comes to cookies, I'm good. Completely cookie functional...and I am not using cookie as a euphemism for anything. At any rate, the Internet has obviously taken notice of my cookie functionality and deemed it healthy enough to carry on.


But that's not what I want to talk about. What I want to know is why every time I step into the shower my floozy of a shampoo bottle has to say suggestive things to me. When I was washing my hair this morning I noticed this written on my bottle of Herbal Essence, "Let me soak it to you." Then it said other brazen things like, "tousle me softly" and "What are you doing next Friday?"I was appalled. Never have I been spoken to in the shower in such an inappropriate manner. Well, not in a long time anyway. Which is exactly my point, here I am, a single person just trying to wash her hair so that when she gets to work people don't look at her and wonder if she combed it with buttered toast, and what does my shampoo bottle decide to do? Make me feel sexy, that's what. And in the end, will it transform into an attractive human? Noooooooooo. In the end, I will be clean yet untousled, softly or otherwise. Fucking tease.

But that's not what I wanted to talk about either. I wanted to talk about Jeanne Calment- the oldest living human ever from France. She lived to be 122, took up fencing at 85, and rode a bike until she was 100. "She ascribed her longevity and relatively youthful appearance for her age to olive oil, which she said she poured on all her food and rubbed onto her skin, as well as a diet of port wine, and ate nearly one kilo of chocolate every week. (Wikipedia)" Chocolate? Fencing? Port wine, which is my favorite wine because of its intense sweetness? Olive oil bathing? I think I could live like that. I don't know what a kilo is, but I'm sure I could reach whatever chocolate quota they threw at me. Fencing at 85?? Who would fence an 85 year old woman? Maybe she challenged her friends at Bingo games, suddenly drawing a sword when there was a disagreement. Do you think her bottles of olive oil ever said anything suggestive to her like, "Tousle me softly with shrimp and fresh cut vegetables over medium heat?" This woman is my new hero. Or, she was. She died in 1997, but had her wits about her to the end.

Whilst in Wikipedia, reading about Jeanne (insert French word for awesome) Calment, I noticed that the word "olive oil" was high lighted, meaning that it wanted to know what I was doing next Friday. I didn't want to tell it that I already had a date with my shampoo so I clicked on the word and sidestepped what was sure to be an awkward rejection. I found out that the Mediterranean region is the Poppa Bear of olive oil. They're swimming in it, they put it in everything - food, lamps, old ladies. And while I was reading about olive oil's health benefits and medicinal uses I realized that an oil spill in Spain would be completely different from the oil spill that just happened in the Gulf. One is much more delicious than the other, and animals with an olive oil coating would get protection from UV rays and live to be over 100. Chefs might wash the oil off the little crtitters and use it in a pasta dish, but that would be the extent of the damage. Oh sure, the olive industry would take a hit for a while, and people would have to switch from martinis to port wine, but apparently that's not a bad thing.

I'm going to go now. I'm going to draw myself an olive oil bath with a side dish of chocolates.